A cup of tea... anyone?

This afternoon, I went for a driving lesson with dad. Got yelled at for speeding. It was unintentional ok?? I didn't mean to speed! Had a panic attack while trying to change lanes and struggled to reverse park into the driveway of our house. I came out mightily stressed and just so angry with myself. I'm angry at myself for taking so long to get my L's. All my friends are now driving and some are already driving their own car. And here I am, I cannot even drive a frigging car!

Enough said, I am dissatisfied with my life. I'm still jobless. And as much as I do appreciate my parents giving me suggestions and ideas to find a job, every time they bring up the topic of job hunting, it stresses me out and makes me very frustrated. I just feel so useless and a real failure. I just want them to be proud of me. I'm sure they are very proud of the achievements of their oldest son with him pursuing a PhD in cancer research and a younger son that is now working for a well-known Australian mining company. And here I am, I can barely do anything. I've overheard them talking about how nice it is if I got a job and it makes me feel so useless.

My life is not going anywhere. I will not lie and pretend everything's okay and say I am very happy. I will not say I'm happy and ignore the fact that I'm unsatisfied with this life because I'm a Christian and Christians are presumably meant to be happy with their lives because they have God's grace and God's grace is enough and more than anything, more than Worldly things. I mean, c'mon.. I'm human. It's natural for me to go after Worldly things. I've asked God again and again. It's unfair that I've waited so long. It's unfair that God gives non-Christians everything they want and here I am, waiting... waiting for what??? I don't know. And all those verses and songs you were thought since young like "You can do all things in Christ who strengthen's you", "God is Able", "God will make a way when there's no other way", "plans to prosper you", "Ask and it shall be given to you", "The Lord is jehovah jireh, our provider" bla bla bla just flies out the window!

God has tested my patience. Sometimes, I don't know what He wants. Sometimes, I think maybe I've done something wrong, maybe there's something I need to do, maybe I haven't done enough. Isit because I don't have enough faith or I don't believe enough? I can't quite figured it out. I've tried everything and I'm really tired. I'm exhausted. But, someone once told me God isn't a genie that grants all our wishes. But, why not just be a genie and grant this small request I have? It's not rocket science really! God has His ways I supposed. And I hope I come out of this stronger. Regardless, I need to pray more. I need to seek more.