A cup of tea... anyone?

Oh my. I miss you. :(((((( Terribly.

This sucks so much I'm typing in a different font (which means I'm going insane)! I was positive I've gotten over you. I tried to block you out. I tried not to tell you about my life and stopped myself from asking about your life. Our lives should be kept separate for now. I ignored your Hellos, your His and was deeply proud at myself for being strong and not giving in. And then, you JUST had to make a comment about my profile picture with this comment - "Oh pretty picture" and I crumbled.

I crumbled. My strong self gave in. I melted. I went all fuzzy inside... C'mon! Which girl would not melt and smile giddily when a guy makes such a comment? And worst is, he's not just any guy. He's the guy I go to sleep and wake up thinking about and he's the guy I come home thinking about. He's the guy that makes me smile and he's someone I deeply care about. I often wonder what he's up to right this moment. He's the guy that I pray to God every night if he's the one. He makes me feel complete. He makes me feel comfortable in my skin. He makes me very happy. Everything seems perfect......... but the missing piece to the puzzle makes it imperfect. And because its so perfect, it hurts even more that it can never be.

Evil evil person. Why are you doing this to me? Now, all I want is to talk to you. And you're not talking to me. And it freaking hurts. It sucks. So much for being strong!




Comforting myself with this song. There there... its alright! He's a loser for not appreciating someone like me!

This afternoon, I went for a driving lesson with dad. Got yelled at for speeding. It was unintentional ok?? I didn't mean to speed! Had a panic attack while trying to change lanes and struggled to reverse park into the driveway of our house. I came out mightily stressed and just so angry with myself. I'm angry at myself for taking so long to get my L's. All my friends are now driving and some are already driving their own car. And here I am, I cannot even drive a frigging car!

Enough said, I am dissatisfied with my life. I'm still jobless. And as much as I do appreciate my parents giving me suggestions and ideas to find a job, every time they bring up the topic of job hunting, it stresses me out and makes me very frustrated. I just feel so useless and a real failure. I just want them to be proud of me. I'm sure they are very proud of the achievements of their oldest son with him pursuing a PhD in cancer research and a younger son that is now working for a well-known Australian mining company. And here I am, I can barely do anything. I've overheard them talking about how nice it is if I got a job and it makes me feel so useless.

My life is not going anywhere. I will not lie and pretend everything's okay and say I am very happy. I will not say I'm happy and ignore the fact that I'm unsatisfied with this life because I'm a Christian and Christians are presumably meant to be happy with their lives because they have God's grace and God's grace is enough and more than anything, more than Worldly things. I mean, c'mon.. I'm human. It's natural for me to go after Worldly things. I've asked God again and again. It's unfair that I've waited so long. It's unfair that God gives non-Christians everything they want and here I am, waiting... waiting for what??? I don't know. And all those verses and songs you were thought since young like "You can do all things in Christ who strengthen's you", "God is Able", "God will make a way when there's no other way", "plans to prosper you", "Ask and it shall be given to you", "The Lord is jehovah jireh, our provider" bla bla bla just flies out the window!

God has tested my patience. Sometimes, I don't know what He wants. Sometimes, I think maybe I've done something wrong, maybe there's something I need to do, maybe I haven't done enough. Isit because I don't have enough faith or I don't believe enough? I can't quite figured it out. I've tried everything and I'm really tired. I'm exhausted. But, someone once told me God isn't a genie that grants all our wishes. But, why not just be a genie and grant this small request I have? It's not rocket science really! God has His ways I supposed. And I hope I come out of this stronger. Regardless, I need to pray more. I need to seek more.

I'm excited about meeting Nicola on Friday. She will be my first human contact after so very long! HAHA!!! And I am even more excited for OCF because Aunty Marrilyn is here! And she's speaking on Friday!!! I love it when she speaks... she's just such an inspiring, lovable and wise woman!

I'm supposed to go to an interview tomorrow but I turned it down purely because I didn't think the job was what I wanted as it is a permanent part-time job with only 1 day per fortnight and I cannot quit this job if I get a full-time job coz I definitely will still keep on searching for a job even if I get this one. Even Andrew laughed at me... grr... so much for being supportive!

And I'm currently doing a MYOB certificate at Tafe. I have a great teacher who is so so patient! Well, I just hope this will increase my chance in getting employed! Speaking of which, I've already had three (unsuccessful) interviews. Is it frustrating? Yes. Definitely. I remember coming home from my last interview, exhausted, upset and stressed out. And all I wanted was to dive into a hole and live in there forever or stuffed myself with chocolates. But, I am grateful for the thoughtful people who asked me how it went and all and just encouraged me to not give up!

I am happy despite all. I'm grateful for this unexplainable joy and peace from God. It's what I really needed right now!