A cup of tea... anyone?

Oh hmm... hallelujah?

Whenever it rains, I feel blessed to have a roof over my head. Like yesterday, it was raining mad!! Rain drops were pounding mad on the roof! I think at one point, it was hailing!! But, yeah... when it rains, I am very grateful to have a house to live in. I would hate to be outside, dripping wet and shivering in the cold. I hate rain!! It's so annoying!! It blows into your face, wets your hair, wets your glasses until its hard to see and wets your jeans and shoes!! It's just annoying!! Hence, the hmm... hallelujah? Even seeing people running from shelter A to shelter B stresses me out!! But, then, I think of all the homeless people and wonder how they are coping under such howling wind and rain and cannot help but smile to myself and feel thankful. A shelter, it's the smallest things that we take for granted yet God reminded me of how blessed I am to have a warm, safe place to stay!

I am now 22!!

I've been looking forward to my bday this year, as compared to other years. It's brought so much wanted excitement for me after such a dull start to the year. Someone pointed out that I'm 22 on the 22nd of March, so I guess it's much special compared to other years!!! Although, it brings me to think how much I've accomplished over the past 22 years of my life. I haven't yet make it big or earn billions of dollars or owned my own car (let alone drive one yet!). I haven't had a boyfriend yet or moved out of home. I haven't won gold or make it to the Dean's List or score that dream job. I haven't travelled around overseas like most people. But... after a while, I realised all this didn't matter. What matters is that I have the best family and best friends and people around me that love me. And, better, I have God. I thank God for this amazing 22 years of my life. To be alive and well and encountering so many different people is a blessing in itself! I thank God for making me a happy person, so cheerful that sometimes I do admit that I'm too cheerful for my own good! I'm thankful that despite everything, I am able to look pass everything that Human call happiness and Human's definition of success and just embrace in Godly happiness and be thankful for all that God has given for me.

Well, here goes to a perfect 22!!

It's good to finally participate in Bible Study discussion after having to always lead discussions. And I forgot to bring my Bible! (oops.. I really forgot k? I always have my Bible with me!) OCF is starting on a study on the book of Romans and yesterday was BS1!! Oh my, this brings back so much BS leading memories. I can just see image after image of my memories and struggles of leading BS flashing across my eyes. And... to see my Dynamites cell members stepping up and lead is soooo encouraging! I am so proud of each of them!! It's like a mother seeing their kid graduate and grow up!! HAHA. But, I must say, Nicola did a superb job!! I knew she would anyway... I was beaming with pride and almost shed a tear when she led discussion!! And, Kenneth, my C2 seems to be more involved and committed to OCF and taking more responsibilities which I'm very happy to see!! Oh my, I'm so proud.... :D And how bout my baby brother leading OCF Swinburne with so much passion? The amount of preparation and dedication and God-seeking has really blown me away! It is entirely another story and I am one proud sister seeing him growing up and growing faith by faith. *sobs*

Oh, and during T-Time, people were sharing on how great God has been to them during summer. And, again, it brought back all the hurt and pain and discouragement of summer. One by one people were sharing how amazing and fruitful their summer was. And there I was, I have nothing to thank God for. I tried to think of one thing. But, no... nothing to thank God for. I was faced with the reality that my summer suck! It did suck! Don't try to convince me otherwise because... sadly, it did suck. It was just filled with disappointment and hurt. Everything that happened during summer just flashed across my eyes and once again stabbed me so hard.

And... guess what is the theme for this year? GO DREAM. I know right? What a coincidence? And my previous post was about dreams (despite naming it no title... I figured it would be too cliche to name it dream). Well, Nicola told us to write our dreams down into a piece of paper and I wrote down all my dreams and once again, all these dreams felt alive again. It felt like I can dream again. It felt like God is telling me not to give up, to stay strong, that this dream is God-given and worth chasing after.

I have got no motivation for uni. I thought I would be more motivated seeing this is my last semester but, sigh... I'm just so not excited about uni. The thought of going to lectures despise the heck out of me. I can't be bothered opening a book and I'm just so lazy to even write. Everyday, I just can't wait to leave class and go home. A part of me just wants to get through this semester without doing work or scrapping with a pass and get uni over and done with. I just don't know why!! My units are interesting and I love them. Maybe this long break has rusted my brains and numbed my fingers, making it harder to get back onto the uni band-wagon. Or maybe, the thought of not coming back to uni next semester is depressing.

Worst is, I don't know what the other half of the year will be like. It seems so hopeless that I just want to stop trying and just see where this all leads me. It seems like my dream of moving into investment equity/corporate finance area, work in Sydney (most investment banks are there!) and and hopefully be a CFA (in the near future) is nothing but a complete utter dream that just sits there and occupy my mind. I also have this crazy dream of one day working and living in Asia, especially China. I don't know why of all places, China. It's weird, that's why it's crazy. People say dream big but, dreams can be crazy illusions that eat up our thoughts. As much as I like it to happen, a part of me just tells me that I'm kidding myself and should stop dreaming. The more I dream, the more I see the odds of it not happening. A part of me wants to pursue it but it seems like the more I try, the further the dream is. It seems like someone is cheekily yanking an invisible string and no matter how hard I try to get closer, it just slips away like that and we're back to square one.

Again, maybe I should stop trying and see where this all leads me.