A cup of tea... anyone?

January is coming to an end. This one month has been very up and down for me. Mostly down. It has been discouraging in so many ways.

I'm still trying to recover from the hurt and anger from having my feelings being played and toyed. I am trying my hardest to be happy for him and to put my hurt and anger away. But, everywhere I go, I am reminded of him and the possibilities of what could happened if not of things. I would like to move on but it seems like I'm stuck here. The worst thing is to know he has move on very easily while I'm very much unhappy makes me very angry. I was watching Oprah's Ultimate Australian Adventure where they visited Uluru and Tasmania. I couldn't helped but feel chocked inside, tears started coming because Uluru reminded me of the things I can never have with him and Tasmania reminded me of the hope I once had with him.

Also, the prospects of looking for a job is taking its toll. It sucks when u start the week with great hope and then over the course of the week hope slowly fades and diminishes. And then, a new week begins again with great hope and then slowly fades and diminishes. And so the cycle repeats itself. I dunno if I'm depressed or what coz I've never felt anything like this until now. I've always been an optimistic person but lately its been so discouraging in so many ways that I'm having trouble sleeping and being bombarded with all these thoughts is so tiring.

I'm not really relieve that January is coming to an end. I'm quite scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared all this will continue, that it will drag me further. Things doesn't seem to get better. I feel like I'm stuck. Every time I looked at the calender and counted the days and weeks where I'm still waiting on God, I feel like a failure. I feel angry. I think I'm taking out on people because I'm angry at God. But God reminded me through his miracles in Matthew 9:18-34 when the sick, blind and mute was healed because of their faith and their faith only, apart of me lights up! I can say this has gotten me through all of this.