A cup of tea... anyone?

January is coming to an end. This one month has been very up and down for me. Mostly down. It has been discouraging in so many ways.

I'm still trying to recover from the hurt and anger from having my feelings being played and toyed. I am trying my hardest to be happy for him and to put my hurt and anger away. But, everywhere I go, I am reminded of him and the possibilities of what could happened if not of things. I would like to move on but it seems like I'm stuck here. The worst thing is to know he has move on very easily while I'm very much unhappy makes me very angry. I was watching Oprah's Ultimate Australian Adventure where they visited Uluru and Tasmania. I couldn't helped but feel chocked inside, tears started coming because Uluru reminded me of the things I can never have with him and Tasmania reminded me of the hope I once had with him.

Also, the prospects of looking for a job is taking its toll. It sucks when u start the week with great hope and then over the course of the week hope slowly fades and diminishes. And then, a new week begins again with great hope and then slowly fades and diminishes. And so the cycle repeats itself. I dunno if I'm depressed or what coz I've never felt anything like this until now. I've always been an optimistic person but lately its been so discouraging in so many ways that I'm having trouble sleeping and being bombarded with all these thoughts is so tiring.

I'm not really relieve that January is coming to an end. I'm quite scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared all this will continue, that it will drag me further. Things doesn't seem to get better. I feel like I'm stuck. Every time I looked at the calender and counted the days and weeks where I'm still waiting on God, I feel like a failure. I feel angry. I think I'm taking out on people because I'm angry at God. But God reminded me through his miracles in Matthew 9:18-34 when the sick, blind and mute was healed because of their faith and their faith only, apart of me lights up! I can say this has gotten me through all of this.

Just seeing them both doesn't make me sad. Oh no... it makes me very angry. I just wanna punch his lousy face! There I said it!! I should have stopped at hello but your lies encourage me. I told God, no God, I've been disappointed before. I don't want to be disappointed again. But, it felt so right. I really went to sleep thinking he's the one and sheepishly smiling and spending the whole night thinking about him to the point I don't even sleep at all and waking up smiling to myself. If u see me, I was a different person. I was even prepared to introduce him to my parents. And I was prepared to forget Mr. Perfect (read my previous post on him!) That's how serious I took it.

But it hit me when u were sending texts to the other girl when I was with u. When u held my hand, inside, it didn't feel right. No electric went down my spine. It was a numb feeling. And when u hug me, I was scared to hug u back. That moment, I asked God, "God... what am I doing?", "God, this is not right. I shouldn't be doing this."

I really thank God for this conscious to know it wasn't right. But, mistakes have been made and I'm hurting. Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him, from freeway drives, Iphone 4 to Honda Cars and South Wharf. Even Australia reminds me of him and it isn't helping because everything Australia is all around me which can get quite depressing.

Well... but this somehow gives me a whole new start to 2011. I'm a strong woman. I can get through this.

Though my eyes may fail me
I will follow after You
Though Your promise seems forsaken
I'll remember the worlds in Your hands
You'll find me singing

You are unfailing God
Your loves unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens its stands

Though sorrows my condition
And pain holds back no blow
Though this be my darkest hour
Your lamp is leading me home
You'll find me singing

Eyes cant see but I feel You near
I know You're working through my tears
I trust You Lord I trust You for You never walk away

THIS is my prayer.

Being out of love reminds me that I have God. It's a long story. But I saw it coming, which okay I admit is worst and made u feel like a complete idiot. Well, what do u know... welcome to my pathetic love life. Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. I really thought he was the one but hey, I guess not! But all this just reminds me that human beings can fail u but God is always there when u trip and fall.

He's my first love and no matter what, He is always there. Often people speak about their first love but I don't really have that because born into a Christian family and growing up and being brought up in a Christian home where I didn't really have that first connection where u realised life is not perfect without God and make that decision to follow God. It just happened for me. Well, its hard to explain. I went to church the minute I was born and being expose to it all from the very beginning. I never had the chance to experience that first love.

But, being out of love, reminds me of God's first love, a love I can bounce back on and a love that's always there. It does sound like I'm "married" to God (like how the nuns put it) but its different because I'm still waiting for my Prince and I know he's out there somewhere (maybe slaying dragons and conquering kingdoms HAHA!).

Gosh.. I still can joke. But, I'm okay. We're still great friends. Maybe its better this way.

One of my New Years Resolution is to memorise Bible verses. I've always wanted to memorise verses but never got around to do it! (oops!) But yeah... I guess it takes dedication and discipline to seat down, open your bible, highlight a verse, write it down, and remember it. Sounds simple but oh boy... it is hard!

So far, I've remembered these verses.

James 1:19 "My Dear Brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"

Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things above, not on Earthly things"

James 1:2 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised for those who love him"

Remembering verses are helpful. It is your weapon, our weapon against trials and temptation and against sin and the Devil. It is God's way of guiding us through storms or discouraging moments. I've heard this story ones about this man who went scuba diving with an expert diver. While scuba diving, he was faced with a storm, crashing seas and all. And he was scared. He tried to stay calm and get the thought of the storm out of his head, as if everything was fine. But, instead, the expert diver said: Don't worry I'm here to guide u out, just follow my voice. Yeah... u get where I'm heading. Sometimes, in storms, we might try to stay calm and act like everything is okay but who are we kidding... how can we ignore rocky seas and impossible situations? We need God's calm voice, that voice to direct us. That's why, scriptures are important. It serves as a sword, a shield and a map.

Well, I guess I don't really restrict myself to a number or say remember one verse per day because I know such will just make it more like a routine, something I MUST do rather than something I WANT to do. This goes with quiet time as well. I mean, yes... its good to discipline ourselves to spend time with God BUT at the end of the day, it all comes down to your willingness to WANT to do it and when u're willing, God will naturally speak to us rather than if u feel oblige to spend time with God out of guilt. So, quiet time to me is not fixed. I can wake up and feel like reading the Bible or feel the need to read it before bed or before leaving the house. And if I don't feel like reading, I'll just lie in bed and talk to God or crack my piano up with worship.

Hehe... I guess this post went longer than I intend. I guess I might put down verses that I memorise on here to spur myself on and give u all encouragements!

Tomorrow is another trip to the doctors. Honestly, I am scared. I hate going to the doctors. I don't know why. It's not that doctors are creepy but I think their intelligence and white lab coats freak me out abit. And the way they smile and trying to make u feel better isn't helping at all and being all CSI about ur body. HAHA! Oh, u know what the smile reminds me of? It reminds me of that doctor on Simpsons who smiles while telling his patient of their diagnosis. Creepy! Don't get me wrong, I respect Doctors ALOT after a string of health issues in my family.

But, yup... I'm going to do an ECG to check my heart out. Since the crazy palpitation, I've been keeping an eye on my health. I've been cutting out on coffee, religiously taking my cod liver oil supplements, taking butter menthols to the point of addiction (no joke, I AM addicted to them!), watching what I eat and exercising. Well, I guess u can say I want to be fit in 2011. HAH!

I'm currently liking this song. "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin. It's such a great song.




Joel played this song during the Victorian's prayer session in convy and I guess it reminds us Victorians that God is working and doing things in Melbourne. Sometimes, we completely overlooked that God's hand is upon this city. It is not only a promise from God that greater things are to come but a reminder to us that there's is alot that is STILL TO BE DONE in Melbourne. And I supposed a challenge to us, as Christians, to be the salt and light in this city and set our eyes on the goal. And with God and us partnership, big things can be accomplished because He said so.

He certainly is God of this City.