A cup of tea... anyone?

Oh my. I miss you. :(((((( Terribly.

This sucks so much I'm typing in a different font (which means I'm going insane)! I was positive I've gotten over you. I tried to block you out. I tried not to tell you about my life and stopped myself from asking about your life. Our lives should be kept separate for now. I ignored your Hellos, your His and was deeply proud at myself for being strong and not giving in. And then, you JUST had to make a comment about my profile picture with this comment - "Oh pretty picture" and I crumbled.

I crumbled. My strong self gave in. I melted. I went all fuzzy inside... C'mon! Which girl would not melt and smile giddily when a guy makes such a comment? And worst is, he's not just any guy. He's the guy I go to sleep and wake up thinking about and he's the guy I come home thinking about. He's the guy that makes me smile and he's someone I deeply care about. I often wonder what he's up to right this moment. He's the guy that I pray to God every night if he's the one. He makes me feel complete. He makes me feel comfortable in my skin. He makes me very happy. Everything seems perfect......... but the missing piece to the puzzle makes it imperfect. And because its so perfect, it hurts even more that it can never be.

Evil evil person. Why are you doing this to me? Now, all I want is to talk to you. And you're not talking to me. And it freaking hurts. It sucks. So much for being strong!




Comforting myself with this song. There there... its alright! He's a loser for not appreciating someone like me!

This afternoon, I went for a driving lesson with dad. Got yelled at for speeding. It was unintentional ok?? I didn't mean to speed! Had a panic attack while trying to change lanes and struggled to reverse park into the driveway of our house. I came out mightily stressed and just so angry with myself. I'm angry at myself for taking so long to get my L's. All my friends are now driving and some are already driving their own car. And here I am, I cannot even drive a frigging car!

Enough said, I am dissatisfied with my life. I'm still jobless. And as much as I do appreciate my parents giving me suggestions and ideas to find a job, every time they bring up the topic of job hunting, it stresses me out and makes me very frustrated. I just feel so useless and a real failure. I just want them to be proud of me. I'm sure they are very proud of the achievements of their oldest son with him pursuing a PhD in cancer research and a younger son that is now working for a well-known Australian mining company. And here I am, I can barely do anything. I've overheard them talking about how nice it is if I got a job and it makes me feel so useless.

My life is not going anywhere. I will not lie and pretend everything's okay and say I am very happy. I will not say I'm happy and ignore the fact that I'm unsatisfied with this life because I'm a Christian and Christians are presumably meant to be happy with their lives because they have God's grace and God's grace is enough and more than anything, more than Worldly things. I mean, c'mon.. I'm human. It's natural for me to go after Worldly things. I've asked God again and again. It's unfair that I've waited so long. It's unfair that God gives non-Christians everything they want and here I am, waiting... waiting for what??? I don't know. And all those verses and songs you were thought since young like "You can do all things in Christ who strengthen's you", "God is Able", "God will make a way when there's no other way", "plans to prosper you", "Ask and it shall be given to you", "The Lord is jehovah jireh, our provider" bla bla bla just flies out the window!

God has tested my patience. Sometimes, I don't know what He wants. Sometimes, I think maybe I've done something wrong, maybe there's something I need to do, maybe I haven't done enough. Isit because I don't have enough faith or I don't believe enough? I can't quite figured it out. I've tried everything and I'm really tired. I'm exhausted. But, someone once told me God isn't a genie that grants all our wishes. But, why not just be a genie and grant this small request I have? It's not rocket science really! God has His ways I supposed. And I hope I come out of this stronger. Regardless, I need to pray more. I need to seek more.

I'm excited about meeting Nicola on Friday. She will be my first human contact after so very long! HAHA!!! And I am even more excited for OCF because Aunty Marrilyn is here! And she's speaking on Friday!!! I love it when she speaks... she's just such an inspiring, lovable and wise woman!

I'm supposed to go to an interview tomorrow but I turned it down purely because I didn't think the job was what I wanted as it is a permanent part-time job with only 1 day per fortnight and I cannot quit this job if I get a full-time job coz I definitely will still keep on searching for a job even if I get this one. Even Andrew laughed at me... grr... so much for being supportive!

And I'm currently doing a MYOB certificate at Tafe. I have a great teacher who is so so patient! Well, I just hope this will increase my chance in getting employed! Speaking of which, I've already had three (unsuccessful) interviews. Is it frustrating? Yes. Definitely. I remember coming home from my last interview, exhausted, upset and stressed out. And all I wanted was to dive into a hole and live in there forever or stuffed myself with chocolates. But, I am grateful for the thoughtful people who asked me how it went and all and just encouraged me to not give up!

I am happy despite all. I'm grateful for this unexplainable joy and peace from God. It's what I really needed right now!

I'm such a sucker for weddings... This is so bloody beautiful and oh, Alex's vows are so true and honest! It is so heartwarming since Alex is known as the "playboy doctor" in Grey's Anatomy and seeing how he readily commits to Izzie! And how about Meredith giving up her wedding day to a cancer-fighting Izzie! Simply awesome friendship there! *sobs* Grey's never fail to deliver a meaningful scene!

On a side note, I had a conversation with mum about weddings...
Mum: When u get married, let's have a garden wedding! Oh, and let's not invite all those meddling aunties!
Me: O_O Um... maybe find someone who wants to marry me first!

Mini hint to me to faster get a bf!

I went to my first ever job interview on Monday and sadly, it was not a success. They liked me but later on found someone better. I was this close!

What can I say? I am Crushed. Disappointed. Shattered. Frustrated.

:(

I think I died a bit inside. Nicola said maybe the job wasn't meant for me. But, I don't know. No one will ever know if it was meant for me or not. My mum tried to comfort me and said there will be better jobs out there but this job was prefect. I couldn't find anything to dislike or hate!

But, oh wells. I should keep searching. I guess this is a start. First interview is always a start to more interviews. I need to trust God more. He closes this door and I need to trust him to open up more doors. No matter how hopeless the situation is I need to trust in his faithfulness and believe because there's only so much we, puny humans can do. After that, I read up James. I love the book of James. Occasionally, I would just lie in bed and read it. It gives me so much comfort and hope and just that little bit of strength to get over myself and get up and get moving.

I especially like this verse. James 1:12 : "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." This verse has definitely helped me throughout this year and helped me to not give up and continue fighting when faced with disappointment and fear.

It's winter here in Melbourne. It is also a wintery stage in my life. My life has come to a mundane stop with not much progress as of yet. It definitely is a period where I evaluate and plan ahead and search in myself God's will for me. As I wait, I will choose to get closer to God. I will honour God this way. While I wait for the right job and the right guy, I will choose to look to God for guidance and strength coz right now all I need is strength and perseverance. They say waiting is the hardest. But, I truly believe everything will happen when I'm in the right mindset and I'm in the right way with God. Because there's nothing else I would rather do than wait. It's all I've got, to humble down and wait at His feet. I realised that all through the waiting, I've unknowingly become bitter with myself and with God and with everyone around me. Instead of seeking and turning to God, I've unconsciously turned away. And as a result, it has made myself worst than bitter. The Lord has promised good to those who love Him. I guess I have to search in my heart to love Him more and honour Him with everything I've got. I will come out stronger than before. I need to trust in Him more and believe in His almighty plan.

One of my good girlfriends just started a relationship with a non-christian. I think she is making a BIG mistake. Before they got together, she was telling me how amazing this guy is and how honest he is about everything and how different he is compared to other guys. And then I asked her the crucial question: Is he a Christian??? And she replied with a no. I immediately advised her to thread carefully and told her nicely that being involved with a non-christian is never going to end well. After that, I was half hoping that things will die down and nothing will happen.

However, several weeks later, she told me that she decided to call him her boyfriend. Seeing how excited she is, I decided to keep my opinions to myself. She said that this is just dating, nothing biggie!! But, oh, nothing biggie??? I was this close to blurting out and going on a preaching rampage! JUST dating?? What's gonna happen in the long-run? Do u see yourself marrying this person? Call me old-fashioned and traditional but I truly believe a relationship should be based on the idea that eventually later on down the track you would marry each other!

But, I kept it to myself. Deep down, I fear for her.

She says he is open to God and Christianity. So what? Still makes no difference! Do u want to spend your whole life trying to convert this guy and if u can't convert him, what are u going to do? The only way is to end the relationship! What are the chances of him turning to Christ? I am not trying to say this is impossible! But, it is just risky to have a strong attachment both emotionally and physically with a person that has yet come to know Christ. I mean... its going to end bad and you and I know that from the start! And you're gonna end up hurting each other!! All through the relationship, you are always going to have the thought of "he's not a Christian" at the back of your head and are u going to ignore that and pretend everything's okay???

Relationships like these are risky and dangerous. It's great that he's nice, caring and a good person but spiritual support is very important in a Godly relationship. I mean... I would love to pray together with my boyfriend and talk about God, sermons and scriptures with him. But, I'm not here to judge. I'm sure she has heard enough from other people and I'm sure she has measured up the good and bad before coming to a final conclusion. May love prevails over all!

Call me 16, but I love Taylor Swift. She's very pretty and simple. Oh, did I mention that she's talented? She is truly a role model for girls everywhere. She's someone every girl wants to become and someone every guy wants to date. Her songs are amazing! I don't find it corny or stupid or cheezy... She speaks the mind of girls and women everywhere. In one of her interviews, she said she will continue writing songs about boys and love and relationships even when she's 30 plus because every woman whether young or old will still love and be loved. I adore her songs... it's meaningful and at most, relate to me. Listening to her songs really made me think that I'm not the only one feeling this way... and knowing someone else shares the same thing is truly a very comforting thought.

White Horse, this song relates to me now. It came up on my ipod while I was in bed last night. And oh, how true it is.



I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Receiving an email from Jo is definitely a refreshing one since my email is stashed up with spams from seek.com which can get overwhelming. In her email, Jo shared about her reflections and trials and joy of being a woman. Jo's email really came at the right time, when I was stressed about exams with the possibilities of failing and pressures of not being able to graduate, the worries of what lies ahead with a blank second half of the year and the sadness of uni ending and my brother jetting off to Qld for his PhD.

Jo's email really is a boost to get myself up and keep going. (P/s: Thank you Jo!) It encouraged me a lot seeing how much dedication and passion she has for Emanate and just wanting more and more. And seeing how God provided for her and working in her life, helped me to continue to believe in God's plan and trust God and put everything in him. Whatever God's plan is.... I am very sure this is worth waiting for.

I was reading through 2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us"

Treasures in jars of clay. Treasures found in unexpected places. Treasures found in God. I don't need Earthly treasures because I have Godly treasures and it is 10 times better, 100 times greater and it is all I ever needed.

This is a beautiful video! I stumbled upon this video last night and I was crying like mad after I watched it! It correctly sums up the perils and hardship of a relationship. I never knew maintaining a relationship was that hard (pfft... who am I to say huh?). I always thought once two people fall in love and begin a relationship, things are simply rosy, beautiful and prefect and nothing can come between them. I always thought that love is all that is needed and when there is love, all else will fall together perfectly. But, this video showed me that a relationship requires more than love. It requires nurturing, effort, unexpected surprises, sacrifices and alot of understanding and care. I guess love isn't everything... but its definitely the beginning of a journey, a journey that can go two ways... and its up to respective parties to see that it goes the right way.

I now have a new found respect for couples that never gave up and fought and fought for their relationship. Kudos to WongFu Production! Simply creative! God Bless all these creative people!

So... I'm doing the 30 day blog challenge.

First question is "What is my ultimate guilty pleasure(s)"? Well, what is a guilty pleasure? I think guilty pleasures are things u like to do but can't really explain why u just like doing it! So, here goes my guilty pleasure(s)!

1. I love watching romantic love story trailers on Youtube. When I have nothing to do, I just lie on my bed and watch love story trailers like A Walk to Remember, Dear John, The Notebook, The Time Traveller's Wife, A Message in A Bottle, Letters to Juliet... It's just soooo satisfying, I don't know why! These trailers are so beautiful, how they are set up, the lines, the background music, just building the suspense of the whole movie. The funny thing is that they are just trailers, not the full movie!! I guess because I'm not a movie person, I find this 3 or 4 minutes of trailer as equally same as watching the whole movie. Its just so heartwarming and makes me smile inside. And I'll just lie there abusing the replay button! HAHA! My favourite trailer? If I have to choose then I think it would be Message in a Bottle, second close to A Walk to Remember!
   
2. My second guilty pleasure is night drives. I loveeeee night drives. It's the most satisfying thing! Just driving on the road, with a dark night sky and blinking lights from the buildings and being the only car on the road as if you own the road is the most amazing feeling ever! It's just so relaxing and so peaceful and calming. But, of course, going on night drives with the person u adore makes it 10 times better!
3. My last guilty pleasure is... cornflakes with microwaved milk! It is THE BEST!!! I don't know why but warmed, microwaved milk taste very different to cold milk! It just taste amazing!! I like to top it up with heaps and heaps and heaps of crunchy cornflakes until it forms a mountain and quickly gobble it down before it all dissolves away in the milk. And then if I have leftover milk, I would top up with more cornflakes!! This simply is 10/15 minutes of pure bliss and it sets me up for the rest of the day!

Well, I'm back at blogspot! Well, I tried to start a Tumblr thingy but it was too complicated and all I needed was to post my thoughts. So, here I am again!

Anyway, yesterday I was reading through Romans 8:18-27. This section was titled Future Glory. One part stood out to me. Romans 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently". I feel very encouraged and it encourages me to continue waiting. I've waited all my life for God to do something, to open up doors, to the point where I don't know if its worth waiting anymore. But, this verse encourages me that its all the worth to wait and be patient. When there's nothing more I can do, its only waiting, waiting at the feet of the God almighty is all I can do.

I've been having sleep issues lately. Gosh... its 2 in the morning and I hardly can sleep!! Sigh. It's the insomnia I think or maybe I work too hard till my brain simply cannot slow down. Speaking of working hard, I've finish the last of the last uni assignment! *breathe of relief* I have made it! I started this semester feeling weak and demotivated and just want to do anything else but uni. I thank God for the strength and just believing in myself. I thank God for this sudden burst of much needed energy. And also awesome group mates that really help out in any way possible!

We sang this song during Lifegroup! I love this song.... It comes second close to "With All I Am". Honestly, recently I've been quite slacked in my devotion and QT with God. Since Easter Camp, where I experienced an extraordinary high, it felt like I didn't need any nourishment or any more filling up. And... singing this song reminds me that God is Lord of all and most importantly Lord of my life and He is my World and without Him, I am nothing.

Well, I guess an Easter Camp post is in order??

I don't even know how to describe this camp. I'm lost for words on how to describe it. Easter Camp was amazing!!! Great food, awesome fellowship, great people, wonderful message and great games!! God was so alive and moving in this camp! I came to this camp not expecting much since its my 3rd camp and not much to be excited about but, oh my, how wrong was I! I went with not much to expect, not really having any desire for God to speak to me, not really expecting the Holy Spirit to stir something in me, just taking this as a weekend away and seeing and catching up with all the OCF friends I've made over the past 3 years.

But, oh, it was AWESOME! I had the time of my life! God moved like crazy... it was such a powerful and uplifting camp! The message was very applicable to me especially one section where Jensen Ma talked about how to testify at our workplace. And he asked this question, what would u do if u were a Christian X? X indicating our profession like accountant or doctor. And really, it was an eye-opener for me because u would only focus on doing your job and not think about how to use your profession to build God's kingdom. It gets me thinking of ways to transform the workplace or profession itself rather than just focusing on my job responsibilities.

And on a side note, I was telling Wen Yi how Melbourne Uni guys are good looking. And she laughed at me and said they are cute meh?? OMG. I scolded her (in a good way)... Melb Uni girls open ur eyes la!!?? But, they are cute and tall and handsome la! And they have a better personality, more mature and more I-want-to-know-u attitude and they dress properly! Why can't Clayton have cute (and tall and better personality) guys!! WHY? haih.

HAHA. It's obvious I'm very picky when it comes to guys.

State election back home. Currently, Sarawak is buzzing with election fever.

I have never felt so strongly about Malaysia, let alone the state of Sarawak. I've never been so "patriotic" in my lifetime. Just felt like flying back home to put in a ballot sheet to give a helping hand. I really do want to see a change! It's time Sarawakians get back a piece of themselves. It's time someone stand up and say enough is enough!! I never knew how bad the current chief minister is. He has done so many bad things, bad bad things just for his own selfish benefits. And, its time a change is made!!

U know, its funny, I still call Malaysia "home". After 7 years in Aussie land, Malaysia still holds a piece in my heart. To be honest, every time I go back to Malaysia, I just have this urge to stay on for good. I feel that I have a responsibility to this country. I feel that there is something I can offer, that I can make a difference (Not like it's bad or anything!) That's why I'm reluctant to fully convert into Australian. We have talked about taking on citizenship but, a part of me still feels Malaysian. It's a part of me and no matter how hard I try to forget it, it will always be in my blood.

Well, see where life goes and God's will. All I can do is pray... pray for God's mercy on this precious land. A change needs to be made and this is the chance to do it!

My brother is preparing to go to Queensland. He got a offer to start his PhD at Griffith University in June. I am so proud of him! Since young, I've always looked up to him and learned from him! I'm so proud of his efforts and hard work and most importantly his passion for science and technology. He is one person that is so passionate about what he does! I'm sure he is going to make an impact in this World! And I'm glad to see that he is not compromising his ethical views and applying Christian judgements to his work (because science is a touchy subject and often conflicts with Christian beliefs!)

I'm so thankful for God for opening this door for him. I am very happy to see him so excited to pursue this dream! Again, it confirmed to me that God is listening to my prayers and He is watching over the people that I love. Also, seeing how my brother never gave up and believe in this dream is a true inspiration for me. It gave me hope that God has something remarkable installed for me and all this dream is worth pursuing for.

I hate to say this but I'm gonna miss him! :( It's gonna be hard not seeing him around... Sigh. Mum and dad are preparing to let him go. Maybe I should prepare emotionally and mentally as well...

After today, I don't think I'm gifted in music. We had this huge group practice for OCF where Kenneth introduced what worship is and we had a jamming session. Honestly, it was abit intimidating seeing everyone so into and enthusiastic about everything musical and people with wow, beyond words jaw-dropping talent (okay I exaggerate, but wow... it is still jaw-dropping!!) I tried to play a few songs and Sabby was like "Sally, u should do this... u shouldn't do this...Maybe try this..."

And, honestly made me think that maybe putting my hand up to do this was a mistake. The reason I put my hand up was because I've always wanted to serve in worship and I thought this is it! I'm doing this. I have to do this! It's now or never! Since young, it has been my dream to play piano for worship. Every time I see someone up there, I will again and again ask myself the question "when are u going to be up there?" But, I'm always too scared or have no confidence in myself. And now... doubt is coming in again. But, then, if I'm not gifted in this area, I should stop right?

I think I'm more gifted to teach. I enjoyed leading Bible Study discussions last year. I've always had a hidden passion and inner desire to teach. If I'm not pursuing a business career, I would be a teacher. I like to impart knowledge and stir questions in others. Just knowing that someone has learned something new makes me very happy! I've been known as "the teacher" among my friends. It's funny, at my 22nd bday speech, everyone was like "Oh, when we needed any accounting help during high school, we would go to Sally!" or something like "Sally taught me how to do this question in the assignment" etc... HAHA!

Sigh...I dunno... But, I guess there's no harm in trying right?

Random thoughts. Hence, no title!!

A bible study that creates more question than it answers is one that i like! We just had a great bible study. And... oh my, thoughts are flying from left to right, back to front! But, basically, we were talking about circumcision (and um... awkward silence!), about Christians being hypocritical and judgmental and this whole thing about more grace from more sinning. And of course, Bjorn's question of whether having KFC is considered wrong from the idea of smoking is bad for you because the Bible said your body is the temple, which later was rebutted with 1 Corinthians 10:23. Also, we talked about the Crusade from the movie, the Kingdom of Heaven from the question of Christians doing something bad for God's kingdom. Now, I want to watch the movie!!

Interesting stuff!! It was very productive!! Food for thought!! After OCF, I was being antisocial and trying to process it all and asking Chee Kai some of my questions! Speaking of antisocial, I am really shy.... There's so many new people in OCF that I don't know and its really hard to introduce yourself when introducing means someone else should be introducing me to everyone! And everyone seems to know everyone! And its rude to barge into a conversation and very awkward to be the only one having to say "Hi! I'm Sally!" in a circle of conversation when everyone already knows everyone. So... hmm... the new people aren't even talking to me! So, why should I be the conversation starter! Okay... I know, I should not have that kind of attitude. But... whatever la. HAHA!

Oh hmm... hallelujah?

Whenever it rains, I feel blessed to have a roof over my head. Like yesterday, it was raining mad!! Rain drops were pounding mad on the roof! I think at one point, it was hailing!! But, yeah... when it rains, I am very grateful to have a house to live in. I would hate to be outside, dripping wet and shivering in the cold. I hate rain!! It's so annoying!! It blows into your face, wets your hair, wets your glasses until its hard to see and wets your jeans and shoes!! It's just annoying!! Hence, the hmm... hallelujah? Even seeing people running from shelter A to shelter B stresses me out!! But, then, I think of all the homeless people and wonder how they are coping under such howling wind and rain and cannot help but smile to myself and feel thankful. A shelter, it's the smallest things that we take for granted yet God reminded me of how blessed I am to have a warm, safe place to stay!

I am now 22!!

I've been looking forward to my bday this year, as compared to other years. It's brought so much wanted excitement for me after such a dull start to the year. Someone pointed out that I'm 22 on the 22nd of March, so I guess it's much special compared to other years!!! Although, it brings me to think how much I've accomplished over the past 22 years of my life. I haven't yet make it big or earn billions of dollars or owned my own car (let alone drive one yet!). I haven't had a boyfriend yet or moved out of home. I haven't won gold or make it to the Dean's List or score that dream job. I haven't travelled around overseas like most people. But... after a while, I realised all this didn't matter. What matters is that I have the best family and best friends and people around me that love me. And, better, I have God. I thank God for this amazing 22 years of my life. To be alive and well and encountering so many different people is a blessing in itself! I thank God for making me a happy person, so cheerful that sometimes I do admit that I'm too cheerful for my own good! I'm thankful that despite everything, I am able to look pass everything that Human call happiness and Human's definition of success and just embrace in Godly happiness and be thankful for all that God has given for me.

Well, here goes to a perfect 22!!

It's good to finally participate in Bible Study discussion after having to always lead discussions. And I forgot to bring my Bible! (oops.. I really forgot k? I always have my Bible with me!) OCF is starting on a study on the book of Romans and yesterday was BS1!! Oh my, this brings back so much BS leading memories. I can just see image after image of my memories and struggles of leading BS flashing across my eyes. And... to see my Dynamites cell members stepping up and lead is soooo encouraging! I am so proud of each of them!! It's like a mother seeing their kid graduate and grow up!! HAHA. But, I must say, Nicola did a superb job!! I knew she would anyway... I was beaming with pride and almost shed a tear when she led discussion!! And, Kenneth, my C2 seems to be more involved and committed to OCF and taking more responsibilities which I'm very happy to see!! Oh my, I'm so proud.... :D And how bout my baby brother leading OCF Swinburne with so much passion? The amount of preparation and dedication and God-seeking has really blown me away! It is entirely another story and I am one proud sister seeing him growing up and growing faith by faith. *sobs*

Oh, and during T-Time, people were sharing on how great God has been to them during summer. And, again, it brought back all the hurt and pain and discouragement of summer. One by one people were sharing how amazing and fruitful their summer was. And there I was, I have nothing to thank God for. I tried to think of one thing. But, no... nothing to thank God for. I was faced with the reality that my summer suck! It did suck! Don't try to convince me otherwise because... sadly, it did suck. It was just filled with disappointment and hurt. Everything that happened during summer just flashed across my eyes and once again stabbed me so hard.

And... guess what is the theme for this year? GO DREAM. I know right? What a coincidence? And my previous post was about dreams (despite naming it no title... I figured it would be too cliche to name it dream). Well, Nicola told us to write our dreams down into a piece of paper and I wrote down all my dreams and once again, all these dreams felt alive again. It felt like I can dream again. It felt like God is telling me not to give up, to stay strong, that this dream is God-given and worth chasing after.

I have got no motivation for uni. I thought I would be more motivated seeing this is my last semester but, sigh... I'm just so not excited about uni. The thought of going to lectures despise the heck out of me. I can't be bothered opening a book and I'm just so lazy to even write. Everyday, I just can't wait to leave class and go home. A part of me just wants to get through this semester without doing work or scrapping with a pass and get uni over and done with. I just don't know why!! My units are interesting and I love them. Maybe this long break has rusted my brains and numbed my fingers, making it harder to get back onto the uni band-wagon. Or maybe, the thought of not coming back to uni next semester is depressing.

Worst is, I don't know what the other half of the year will be like. It seems so hopeless that I just want to stop trying and just see where this all leads me. It seems like my dream of moving into investment equity/corporate finance area, work in Sydney (most investment banks are there!) and and hopefully be a CFA (in the near future) is nothing but a complete utter dream that just sits there and occupy my mind. I also have this crazy dream of one day working and living in Asia, especially China. I don't know why of all places, China. It's weird, that's why it's crazy. People say dream big but, dreams can be crazy illusions that eat up our thoughts. As much as I like it to happen, a part of me just tells me that I'm kidding myself and should stop dreaming. The more I dream, the more I see the odds of it not happening. A part of me wants to pursue it but it seems like the more I try, the further the dream is. It seems like someone is cheekily yanking an invisible string and no matter how hard I try to get closer, it just slips away like that and we're back to square one.

Again, maybe I should stop trying and see where this all leads me.

On Sunday, the night before uni began... I was lying in bed and I took out my journal and wrote in it. Since the start of the year, I've been writing my prayers to God in a journal. So, in the dark with the help of my phone for light, I wrote this. Dear God, tomorrow is another new beginning for me. Its uni again! Honestly, I am scared. I'm scared of a new beginning. Lord, I want to have a fruitful experience. I don't want this to be just another semester. I want to have a great encounter, an encounter that I will never forget. I want to meet people. I want to have a whole new experience. Lord, I want to finish this leg of the race on a high.

After I journaled everything, I started listening to this song called You are My Father by True Worshippers and out of no where, tears just came. I was sobbing uncontrollably in my sheets. The Holy Spirit was so alive, so strong and there I was crying. Every muscle in my face was clenching and my eyes were squinting so tightly as hot tears flowed down my cheeks. It was almost like a suffocating feeling. At one point, it felt like I couldn't breathe. It was almost like I was letting out all the hurt, all the anger, all the disappointment over the summer. Just letting it all out! I haven't cried like this for a very long time. And something amazing happened for the very first time (which I will keep to myself)!!

Oh... MY GOD IS GREAT AND GOOD! And to be able to claim that when all is crumbling down is what is called joy and peace. I know now, I WILL have a new beginning because I KNOW God will be there with me, holding my hand and guiding me through. It's just the BEST feeling to know God is there with you in hard times and not so hard times and hearing your prayers and all your cries and tears. And yes, it is the BEST feeling ever!! I am so blessed!! I can say I am confident and excited for this new beginning and what is to come!

Well.... hello! (as if anyone reads this!)

Anyway, I'm still with the kids' church. We had a new batch of prep kids come through this year. And, I don't know but every year when we get new prep kids and last year's Year 1 kids moved to the next room to Year 2, it feels weird. I kinda missed them. And today, I helped this new kid settle in kids church. Well, he doesn't have good English and only be able to converse in Chinese so Marcus put me to sit with him to explain the games and activities. And, again, the Chinese language has been an advantage to me! I cannot tell u how many times it has come into handy! :D

Well, this year, we are teaching the kids "The Ten Commandments" and more towards Respect. So, I was taking the prep girls and teaching them all about Respect. And last week, I set them the task of showing respect at home/school and I said I will asked them about it the following week. And I am amazed at what they tell me, how they helped out at home and school to show respect to their parents/teachers/an authoritative figure.

Teaching these kids about respect and giving them this task, I sort of set a task to myself to show respect, especially to my parents. Often when we grow older and more independent, we often forget to show the simplest command, which is respect our parents. And sometimes I admit, I just want to shut one ear or sulk or ignore my parents because I cbb or when I think I'm right or when my parents are being mean 'Asian Parents' or when I had a long day and the last thing I need is their nagging. But, this week, I try to be patient with them and think before I yell or groan. I try to show respect to them with the simplest thing like taking the trash out or clean the dishes or fix meal when mum works late or just sit together in the lounge and watch TV together.

He called yesterday, which was very unexpected and very very surprising. I didn't know whether to ignore him or answer it. But, eventually, I pressed the button and said "Hello". And yes, after that, I feel like a complete idiot. I am such a weak person. I'm either a weak person or a very nice person. Why did I pick up? After countless of people telling me to ignore him and not to see him anymore or reply him on msn, yet, I did the most craziest thing and answered his call. WELL DONE SALLY!! I figured I'm picking up the phone as a friend because I know how hard it is for him to even begin to call me.

If u're wondering, we didn't talked much. He just called to say hello. He did most of the talking, after all, I have nothing to say to him. It was very awkward. He asked me what I'm doing, I lied and said nothing. I was so tempted to tell him about my job interview, how much stuff I brought at DFO, my hair dye mishaps and starting uni and joining back to Oxygen. But, I refrained myself and I'm glad I did. I didn't think telling him all these things will help me in any way at all. I asked him about his trip, all he could say was that it was ok. But, I knew it was more than ok. I guess he sense I didn't want to talk much so he decided it would be unfair to say alot. And he said he might come back to Melbourne next month and find me to hang out. Inside, I just went... I don't think so.

And just when I'm starting to get over him... He just had to call and I had to answer it. Well, for now, I'm just glad he's not in Melbourne. I just hope I'm stronger next time...

That awkward moment when you hug a friend and your boobies accidentally touch each other. And then, both of u laugh histerically and then both of u do a whatever arm fling and go for a second hug.

Now, that is true sister love.

Sigh I'm gonna miss Alka terribly when she goes back to Orange. :(

Oh, and my quest to dye my hair failed terribly. I am such a chicken! Well, I decided long ago that I was going to dye my hair after seeing how black my hair is and how beautiful brown hair is. So, I told myself this is it, I'm gonna dye my hair even if my parents kill me after that or if I get a chemical reaction and ruin all my locks or if the colour turns out sucky or if the chemical gets in my eyes or if I accidentally swallow them and end up in the poison ward (yup, paranoia to the max!). Yes... those were the reasons why I chicken out! I even went to get the colour and colour shampoo and totally embarrassed myself when I return it to the shop! :S

But, black Asian hair is the best! I guess when people say "u don't look Asian, are u mixed?", I can reply with "But I've got black Asian hair!" HAHA.

I can't sleep so here I am! :D

Anyway, I've recently started learning guitar. Well, I was inspired by Jayesslee and how their acoustic pieces are always so beautiful and I thought Taylor Swift looks cool on the guitar. But, it wasn't as hard as I thought. I picked it up quite well. I must say that piano is harder because of the notes and keys and chords and all those piano terminology, sharp, flat etc.... But, I would prefer the piano because it sounds more beautiful than the guitar. I mean, have u heard a pianist play before? Take for instance, this Korean pianist Yoonha (Youtube him! He's amazing!)... his pieces are magnificent and breathtaking. And piano is so versatile, as in u can play it according to your mood with how fast or how slow, how loud or how soft, jumpy or smooth flowy notes etc... And u could mix it up to create the perfect piece of music!

And guitar hurts my fingers and leaves red marks on my poor finger tips! (but then I later on found out that u don't have to press that hard to get a key, just need to apply small pressure. I know! Shuush!). But, it hurts my wrist too! Even just playing a G major requires u to twist ur wrist in a very abnormal manner. And strumming the guitar hurts my fingers, its almost as if I'm shredding my fingers. Ouch! Literally! HAHA.

But, more practice and I might just come to like the guitar!! :D

I just got back from Lewis's 21st bday at Sofias. And pretty much everyone I hung out with from school was there. And Rohan was there. I've blogged about Rohan before. Rohan is my high school mate and he's currently battling cancer.

But, today, he was just like any normal person. All of us hung out like old times. We fight about what to order (which Susan later took charged and pretty much ordered for us), we teased one another and had a cake fight with Alka and Azeem starting it by caking Lewis and those in the cake fight had a fiasco in the toilets where apparently there were more cake smearing and water spraying. I laughed so hard when Azeem tricked Rohan into the girl's toilets and smiled silently when Azeem and Alka were having fork fights over the olives in the Mediterranean salad. We don't look like mature 21 y-o adults but more like 5 y-o kids. And quoted by Susan:Behave kids!!! It's a family restaurant!!! It's good that we can still have childish moments and people to fool around with!

And seeing Rohan still battling cancer with a smile and strong-will makes me smile inside. Initially, I was scared to meet him because I didn't want to be challenge faith-wise and my beliefs as a Christian. It was hard enough seeing a close buddy going through cancer. But today, he didn't need a walking stick and his hair is growing back. He was happy, bubbly and there was a spring in his feet. All these while, I've been praying for him for strength and healing. And this reassured me that God is listening to my prayers and watching over my friends. I thank God for each one of them. What would I do without them?

January is coming to an end. This one month has been very up and down for me. Mostly down. It has been discouraging in so many ways.

I'm still trying to recover from the hurt and anger from having my feelings being played and toyed. I am trying my hardest to be happy for him and to put my hurt and anger away. But, everywhere I go, I am reminded of him and the possibilities of what could happened if not of things. I would like to move on but it seems like I'm stuck here. The worst thing is to know he has move on very easily while I'm very much unhappy makes me very angry. I was watching Oprah's Ultimate Australian Adventure where they visited Uluru and Tasmania. I couldn't helped but feel chocked inside, tears started coming because Uluru reminded me of the things I can never have with him and Tasmania reminded me of the hope I once had with him.

Also, the prospects of looking for a job is taking its toll. It sucks when u start the week with great hope and then over the course of the week hope slowly fades and diminishes. And then, a new week begins again with great hope and then slowly fades and diminishes. And so the cycle repeats itself. I dunno if I'm depressed or what coz I've never felt anything like this until now. I've always been an optimistic person but lately its been so discouraging in so many ways that I'm having trouble sleeping and being bombarded with all these thoughts is so tiring.

I'm not really relieve that January is coming to an end. I'm quite scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared all this will continue, that it will drag me further. Things doesn't seem to get better. I feel like I'm stuck. Every time I looked at the calender and counted the days and weeks where I'm still waiting on God, I feel like a failure. I feel angry. I think I'm taking out on people because I'm angry at God. But God reminded me through his miracles in Matthew 9:18-34 when the sick, blind and mute was healed because of their faith and their faith only, apart of me lights up! I can say this has gotten me through all of this.

Just seeing them both doesn't make me sad. Oh no... it makes me very angry. I just wanna punch his lousy face! There I said it!! I should have stopped at hello but your lies encourage me. I told God, no God, I've been disappointed before. I don't want to be disappointed again. But, it felt so right. I really went to sleep thinking he's the one and sheepishly smiling and spending the whole night thinking about him to the point I don't even sleep at all and waking up smiling to myself. If u see me, I was a different person. I was even prepared to introduce him to my parents. And I was prepared to forget Mr. Perfect (read my previous post on him!) That's how serious I took it.

But it hit me when u were sending texts to the other girl when I was with u. When u held my hand, inside, it didn't feel right. No electric went down my spine. It was a numb feeling. And when u hug me, I was scared to hug u back. That moment, I asked God, "God... what am I doing?", "God, this is not right. I shouldn't be doing this."

I really thank God for this conscious to know it wasn't right. But, mistakes have been made and I'm hurting. Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him, from freeway drives, Iphone 4 to Honda Cars and South Wharf. Even Australia reminds me of him and it isn't helping because everything Australia is all around me which can get quite depressing.

Well... but this somehow gives me a whole new start to 2011. I'm a strong woman. I can get through this.

Though my eyes may fail me
I will follow after You
Though Your promise seems forsaken
I'll remember the worlds in Your hands
You'll find me singing

You are unfailing God
Your loves unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens its stands

Though sorrows my condition
And pain holds back no blow
Though this be my darkest hour
Your lamp is leading me home
You'll find me singing

Eyes cant see but I feel You near
I know You're working through my tears
I trust You Lord I trust You for You never walk away

THIS is my prayer.

Being out of love reminds me that I have God. It's a long story. But I saw it coming, which okay I admit is worst and made u feel like a complete idiot. Well, what do u know... welcome to my pathetic love life. Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. I really thought he was the one but hey, I guess not! But all this just reminds me that human beings can fail u but God is always there when u trip and fall.

He's my first love and no matter what, He is always there. Often people speak about their first love but I don't really have that because born into a Christian family and growing up and being brought up in a Christian home where I didn't really have that first connection where u realised life is not perfect without God and make that decision to follow God. It just happened for me. Well, its hard to explain. I went to church the minute I was born and being expose to it all from the very beginning. I never had the chance to experience that first love.

But, being out of love, reminds me of God's first love, a love I can bounce back on and a love that's always there. It does sound like I'm "married" to God (like how the nuns put it) but its different because I'm still waiting for my Prince and I know he's out there somewhere (maybe slaying dragons and conquering kingdoms HAHA!).

Gosh.. I still can joke. But, I'm okay. We're still great friends. Maybe its better this way.

One of my New Years Resolution is to memorise Bible verses. I've always wanted to memorise verses but never got around to do it! (oops!) But yeah... I guess it takes dedication and discipline to seat down, open your bible, highlight a verse, write it down, and remember it. Sounds simple but oh boy... it is hard!

So far, I've remembered these verses.

James 1:19 "My Dear Brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"

Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things above, not on Earthly things"

James 1:2 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised for those who love him"

Remembering verses are helpful. It is your weapon, our weapon against trials and temptation and against sin and the Devil. It is God's way of guiding us through storms or discouraging moments. I've heard this story ones about this man who went scuba diving with an expert diver. While scuba diving, he was faced with a storm, crashing seas and all. And he was scared. He tried to stay calm and get the thought of the storm out of his head, as if everything was fine. But, instead, the expert diver said: Don't worry I'm here to guide u out, just follow my voice. Yeah... u get where I'm heading. Sometimes, in storms, we might try to stay calm and act like everything is okay but who are we kidding... how can we ignore rocky seas and impossible situations? We need God's calm voice, that voice to direct us. That's why, scriptures are important. It serves as a sword, a shield and a map.

Well, I guess I don't really restrict myself to a number or say remember one verse per day because I know such will just make it more like a routine, something I MUST do rather than something I WANT to do. This goes with quiet time as well. I mean, yes... its good to discipline ourselves to spend time with God BUT at the end of the day, it all comes down to your willingness to WANT to do it and when u're willing, God will naturally speak to us rather than if u feel oblige to spend time with God out of guilt. So, quiet time to me is not fixed. I can wake up and feel like reading the Bible or feel the need to read it before bed or before leaving the house. And if I don't feel like reading, I'll just lie in bed and talk to God or crack my piano up with worship.

Hehe... I guess this post went longer than I intend. I guess I might put down verses that I memorise on here to spur myself on and give u all encouragements!

Tomorrow is another trip to the doctors. Honestly, I am scared. I hate going to the doctors. I don't know why. It's not that doctors are creepy but I think their intelligence and white lab coats freak me out abit. And the way they smile and trying to make u feel better isn't helping at all and being all CSI about ur body. HAHA! Oh, u know what the smile reminds me of? It reminds me of that doctor on Simpsons who smiles while telling his patient of their diagnosis. Creepy! Don't get me wrong, I respect Doctors ALOT after a string of health issues in my family.

But, yup... I'm going to do an ECG to check my heart out. Since the crazy palpitation, I've been keeping an eye on my health. I've been cutting out on coffee, religiously taking my cod liver oil supplements, taking butter menthols to the point of addiction (no joke, I AM addicted to them!), watching what I eat and exercising. Well, I guess u can say I want to be fit in 2011. HAH!

I'm currently liking this song. "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin. It's such a great song.




Joel played this song during the Victorian's prayer session in convy and I guess it reminds us Victorians that God is working and doing things in Melbourne. Sometimes, we completely overlooked that God's hand is upon this city. It is not only a promise from God that greater things are to come but a reminder to us that there's is alot that is STILL TO BE DONE in Melbourne. And I supposed a challenge to us, as Christians, to be the salt and light in this city and set our eyes on the goal. And with God and us partnership, big things can be accomplished because He said so.

He certainly is God of this City.