This week has been tough in so many areas, emotionally and physically and mentally. It's such a mixed emotions week.
It all began with someone scoring an internship with Deloitte. Honestly, yes, I was and am jealous. I was angry, angry at God. I feel like I've wasted my life on one God that couldn't even do what I asked Him to do. I feel cheated because I was certain that this year was my year. God didn't come through for me last year but I have faith that this year is it. That night, I went to sleep telling God how disappointed I am with Him. I think He heard it. Then, I remembered what Joewin said in BS that God will put us through the things when we have enough faith to conquer them. And Ivie said that God's will may not be our will. Maybe it isn't God's will to have this internship. Maybe God has something else for me this summer... only time will tell!
Next, I recalled one of my high school friend, Rohan and how he has been battling cancer for almost a year. I just thought of him all of a sudden. I saw pictures of him on his facebook and how he turned from this chubby kid into a pale, thin and weak person. And, I started crying. How can God allowed suffering? We always hear talks on this topic but you never really felt the intensity of it until someone u know is suffering and going through it all. I cannot imagine going through cancer at this age. It somehow helped me to count my blessings and be happy with what I have. That night, all I could do was pray for him. Then, I remembered what Joewin said in BS about how faith can conquer all and how he tells us about his granddad and dad and pastor having this thing called faith which healed his granddad. And... I immediately thought of Rohan. So, every night, I've been praying for him, even though he doesn't know God, but God is a God who hears prayers. All I can do is pray and believe...
Then, I had a 30%, 3k word essay due. It was a scramble just to finish it and hand it in with messed up bedtime at 3am and overworking in the library. But, typing this a week later isn't so bad. Yep. I'm thankful for strength and friends that stayed up with me just to finish it together! And, also, I passed my afa test, which btw, holds the reputation of 50% fail rate every sem. Because initially, my score came back as a fail but I later found out that the lecturer marked 3 questions wrongly so I ended up with a pass! All praise to God!! Talked about sigh of relief and yayness at the end of such a hectic week!
Emotional rollercoaster
A reason we know not of
It's true, I haven't gotten over him. Yes, the feeling has died down abit. Yes, I've stopped thinking about him for quite sometime. But, the feeling is still very much alive! Every time I stepped into church, all I could think about is him. Like just this morning, I thought to myself, 'oh, I might bumped into him'. And whenever I see his friends, the first thing that pops into my head is him. Like just this morning when I saw his very closest friend and my thought immediately switched and all I can see is his beautiful, tanned face. And when I see him (which the last time was 2 weeks ago), my heart still beats extremely extremely fast! It's like my heart will skipped a beat and if I don't take deep breathes, I might forget to breathe. He's just such a mesmorising figure, both inwards and outwards. So much so that he takes my breathe away. Every time, I'll try to stop myself from looking at him, this beautiful beautiful man of God, because I know I'm not helping myself. I'm just doing myself more harm then good because there is no way this will work. Maybe we aren't meant to be. But, why... why... do I always take a second glance? Why do I still think there's a chance? Is this even love? or some stupid infatuation? Frankly speaking, I don't know what is the best thing to do, to give up and walk away? or just to continue believing that a miracle will happened? A part of me wants to continue putting faith in God. There must be a reason why I met him. A reason we know not of. There must be an ending to this "story". And I will not suffice till I get the ending.
Last week was so-so busy
Well, it wasn't like extremely busy just... busy then usual.
I've been working on my afa report for the past week or so. I hope I do well in it coz I spend such a long time trying to make it perfect and finding new things to add to it. But, I was too caught up with all the research that I forgot to check the grammar and after submitting it, I realised I should have used past tense instead of present! Oh boy, I hope he doesn't penalise me hugely for that! Then, I had a mid-sem too which was alright.
And we had a leaders' retreat over the weekend. It was a needed getaway after such a hectic week! Met some new people from Clayton COC!! It's nice to meet new people now and again! It surprises me that people say I'm a joyful person! Well, I just love to smile! Who doesn't? Ps. Chee spoke some powerful stuff about leaders' backpack and the burdens leaders carry with them. And yeah, I was nodding at every point he made! But, it was a fun-filled time spent together!
